H/C - "Was brauchst du?" (Für's Team)

[servena]

Team: Drache
Challenge: H/C - "Was brauchst du?" (Für's Team)
Fandom: Handmaid's Tale
Charaktere: June
Ship: June/Nick
Sprache: Englisch
Wörter: 400
Kommentar: Das ist nicht sonderlich gut, aber Punkte.

Therapy is boring.

Need

Therapy is boring.

It’s not quite what June had expected. She had hoped that therapy would be a magic bullet. Go to one session and all your nightmares will go away! She had feared that it would be like going through hell all over again. But mostly, it’s just a slog. Hard work, one step at a time. Why can’t recovery be quick, dammit?

But every now and then, her therapist blows her mind.

“How are things with Luke?”, she asks one afternoon. A spring sun is falling through white see-through curtains.

June doesn’t know what to say. “Good”, would be a lie. “Bad” would feel unfair, somehow. In the end, she settles for “Difficult”.

“What are you finding difficult?”, her therapist asks, of course.

This time, she tries to find a real answer. “He’s trying but… he doesn’t know what I need.”

“What do you need?” her therapist asks. “Could you list some examples?”

“I need… him to know what I need, without having to ask all the time. I need … him to know what I went through, without making me talk about it. I need him to be able to take my anger without making me feel like a monster. I need - “, her throat constricts suddenly, ”someone who knows how to touch me. Who’s not afraid to touch me, without making me. I need someone who can make me laugh. I need someone who makes me feel safe without making me feel incompetent. I need someone who sees me like I am now and still love me.“

Her voice breaks at the end and her eyes overflow, spilling hot tears all over her cheeks, dripping onto her cardigan.

“Don’t you think your husband loves you the way you are now?”, her therapist presses.

“He doesn’t know who I am”, she sobs. She’s beyond caring. “He doesn’t want to know. And he wouldn’t like what he found.”

But Nick would.

The thought intrudes suddenly, cutting her like a knife. Nick knows. He knows everything. And he still loved her. Does he still love her?

Fuck, she misses him. She hasn’t allowed herself to miss him. How selfish is it, that she always wants what she can’t have?

Dimly she hears her therapist ask another question, but she just curls up on her chair and cries.