mua vaan pelottaa, et mä yksin jään (lämmitä mua) [Hurt/Comfort— „Ich krieg’ keine Luft“ —fürs Team]

[lux42y.livejournal.com]

Team: Kobold
Challenge: Hurt/Comfort — „Ich krieg’ keine Luft“ — fürs Team
Fandom: Sekasin (2016)
Charaktere: Hyde Hynynen, Eetu ”Papillon” Jaatinen
Wörter: 730
Zeit: ~70min

“I can’t breath”, Papillon cried. “I can’t fucking breath.” His voice was stiff, breathless. Hyde sat beside him, unsure what to do or say—how the fuck was he even supposed to know what the right thing to do was?

Papillon’s father had died in a car crash. Only a few hours back.

And now Papillon sat next to Hyde on Lumikki’s couch and cried his heart out.

Hyde never saw others cry, so he didn’t know how to react, how to feel. It felt odd, it felt weird, it felt vulnerable. Papillon was so vulnerable—he cried, cried so desperately in front of Hyde. He poured his heart out to Hyde.

And still, Hyde didn’t know how to feel about this. He’d never cried this much. He’d never even felt this much. He couldn’t relate and that was the hardest part. Hyde had experienced so much shit—heck, he even related to Papillon’s daddy issues—and yet he didn’t know what this felt like. What losing a loved one who fucked you up in the worst ways felt like.

He’d felt so lighthearted, so free only hours back and now there was this heavy weight on his shoulder he didn’t know how to handle. He was no therapist, he didn’t have an authoritative opinion, heck, he wasn’t even much of an adult—he was just as fucked up, as sick as Papillon. But he wasn’t fucked up enough or, well, not in the way Papillon was, at least, so he couldn’t relate either.

It wasn’t easy to understand nor accept. He wanted to help Papillon, but he couldn’t, he just fucking couldn’t because he didn’t know how. And he definitely didn’t want to make it worse by doing the wrong thing. So, he just sat there. Said nothing. Did nothing.

It hurt, it stung like hell—he was an adult, but he could neither help himself nor others. It was embarrassing, fucking embarrassing. And maybe his father was right after all: He was good for nothing. He never wanted to think this way, but how much longer could he really lie to himself? He should just accept it: He was useless, so fucking useless.

“Hyde?”, Papillon’s trembling voice rang in his ear. He turned to look at him—and it broke his heart. Papillon’s eyes were red and teary, his lips were blue and he was shivering from head to toe; heck, his body shook like an earthquake. Fuck, Hyde thought. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Yeah?”, he whispered. His eyes hurt from how wide they were open. His throat clicked as he swallowed hard.

“Can you just... just h-hold me?”, Papillon sobbed. His vulnerability cracked something open in Hyde and so he just did—he moved closer until their knees were touching and then he laid his arms around Papillon. He held him close, so close.

And Papillon crashed into his embrace like waves crashed on the shore—with an undefined amount of power and rage and fear that all resolved into terrible helplessness. He held onto Hyde as tightly as he could. He never, never wanted to be alone and helpless in this big, scary ocean called life ever again. He couldn’t, he just couldn’t. And if he had to, he would break. He would die.

So, he clung to Hyde. He held him close. He didn’t let go.

And Hyde held him, too.

It feels good, Papillon thought. Oh, it feels so good to be held.

He wasn’t used to this—his father had loved him, in a way at least, sure, but he’d never really held him like this. He never really paid as much attention to Papillon’s struggles, to his fears and to his panic attacks. He’d always felt alone in a way. Emotionally, probably. Because his father had been there, but not when he needed him the most.

And now he was crying because his father had died. The irony made Papillon want to laugh, but all that left his lips was a desperate cough—it never ended well. Whatever he tried, it never ended well.

Hyde was still overwhelmed with all of his. Yet, he sensed that something was up; something more than just grief. And so he held Papillon—he held him as if it was okay, as if he was there and as if he would never leave.

He just held him.