Angst: Atemnot

[servena]

Titel: Weight
Challenge: Angst - Atemnot
Fandom: Primeval
Charaktere: Hilary Becker, Abby Maitland, Connor Temple
Sprache: Englisch
Wörter: 500
Team: Team Ouroboros
Kommentar: der_jemand hat nach Becker!Angst geschrien, und ihr Wunsch ist mir Befehl.

The pain has become such a part of his life that sometimes he forgets about it.

Weight

The pain has become such a part of his life that sometimes he forgets about it. Sometimes it feels like he has always lived this way, with this ache deep inside his chest, the heavy weight of his heart.
And then he’s reminded.
It’s the little things that hurt.
A tour through the new lab. Thinking about how much Abby would have liked it.
Jess with her back to him in front of the computer terminal. Imagining Connor sorting through the newly arrived tech like a kid on Christmas Eve.
Sitting through a long and boring staff meeting. Almost hearing Danny make some snide remarks next to him.
And sometimes it’s the big things. They still haven’t managed to send the Dracorex home, and every time he walks past its cage he can smell the strawberries and hear Abby’s laugh.
At day he can keep himself busy. There’s always something to do at the ARC, and when there isn’t, he has an entire armoury full of guns to inspect, take apart and clean. Matt might think he has an unhealthy obsession and Jess might worry about his mental state, but at least they mostly keep their thoughts to themselves.
Nights are more treacherous. Sometimes exhaustion knocks him out immediately only for him to wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, panting like he just ran a marathon, followed by their voices. They are always shouting for him, but there’s always something in the way, some obstacle he can’t overcome, try as he might. They rely on him and he always, always fails them.
Any relief that crying could provide is only temporary, and after a while he’s well and truly sick of it.
Every time he’s reminded it feels like that first day, that first moment when he finally dared to think the unthinkable: That they aren’t coming back. That they are dead, truly dead, like the body beneath the gravestone with Sarah’s name on it. Or, and maybe this is worse, that they are trapped somewhere he’ll never find them.
At first his guilt is so great it almost drowns him. But even after he starts to make his way back, to somehow pick up the pieces and do some good with what he’s got left, it never leaves completely. It comes in waves, lapping at his feet, washing over him until he’s struggling to breathe.
He’s failed them, like he has failed Cutter and Sarah. But there are no bodies to bury, no graves to mourn over, and the small flame of hope inside of him he can’t extinguish only fuels the pain he’s in.
He lives with it by taking it day by day, hour by hour.

Until this day.
Abby is pressing her whole body against him and Connor’s smile looks like it might split his mouth open. He’s pulling them as close as he can, pulling so hard it might hurt, but he can’t help himself.
Abby’s hair is tangled and longer than he’s ever seen it and they’re both not smelling very good, but they’re alive, and they’re perfect.
Something deep within his chest unwinds, and he can finally breathe again.

Comments

[der_jemand]

Eeeeeeeeep. Darf ich mir mehr wünschen? Wenn ich nur laut genug schreie, kriege ich das dann?

Oh, armer, armer Becker. Ich bin so froh, dass du die Umarmung mit eingebaut hast, die hat er sich so verdient und ich hätte möglicherweise weinen müssen, wenn nicht, auch wenn ich ja weiß, dass es sie gibt. <3
Nein, ernsthaft, darf ich mehr haben?

[servena]

Wenn du laut und anhaltend genug schreist, bekommst du wahrscheinlich fast alles von mir. ;)

Leider lenkt mich die Aletheia gerade hartnäckig von anderen Fic-Versuchen ab... Aber irgendwann wird das ja auch wieder anders.

Und ich hätte die Umarmung nicht _nicht_ einbauen können, für was für einen Unmenschen hältst du mich eigentlich?? (Auch wenn ich letztens wieder jemanden mit meiner Madoka-Fic zum Weinen gebracht habe...)