![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
nessaniel.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
120_minutenTeam: Aschenputtel
Challenge: Charakterschwäche – wetteifernd – fürs Team
Fandom: The Raven Cycle
Titel: Free Willie not the Whale
Inhalt: Adam and Ronan have a heart-to-heart talk about deep dark secrets. Story is in English!
Anmerkung: Spielt… etwa nach dem zweiten Buch, also Achtung vor Spoilern (es ist aber alles recht vage, weil meine Erinnerung an Plotelemente ein wenig verschwommen ist).
Free Willie not the Whale
“I know what you want from me.” Ronan plops down next to him onto the wide and very strictly mowed expense of the Aglionby greenery next to the gymnasium.
Adam sighs before he puts his book away – he had been pretending to read for a while now. “I don’t want anything from you,” he lies and chances a glance at Ronan’s grinning face.
He looks incredibly happy. Adam gets a prickly feeling in his neck and for once it isn’t related to Chainsaw’s tiny angry claws. Something isn’t right here. Ronan is never just happy.
“Not from me, then”, Ronan cedes. “But over me.”
“What are you...”
“You want power over me.”
Adam bristles, but he can’t look away fast enough and Ronan sees the shock and the shame in his eyes. He could probably feel it too, the sudden painful anxiety rolling of Adam’s shoulders in waves.
“If this is about me asking you to maybe not risk your life and the car in an illegal race through the hills...”
“Nah,” Ronan says. “This is about you asking me to maybe not risk my life and thinking I would listen to you.”
It’s Monday, Adam suddenly remembers. There is an upcoming test in chemistry that every other student is convinced will be the hardest test they ever have to take and Adam hasn’t really had anything to eat for the past two days thanks to learning and rent money.
It’s no wonder then, that he flies off the handle, he thinks, very calmly, as he leaps up and tackles Ronan to the ground.
Ronan doesn’t yelp. He doesn’t even resist, just melts away under Adam’s hands and legs until he is sprawled in the grassy sweet scenery, looking like a grinning black hole full of lava would look in the Shire.
“Careful, Adam,” he whispers. “I might get used to this.”
A shiver runs down Adams spine, but he ignores it in favor of staring right into Roman’s eyes.
“You never listen to me or anyone else,” he says. “That is not news.”
“Then why did you expect me to this time?”
He could lie of course. Say that he was worried about Gansey’s car again after all the thing has been through or he could make up a story of how they should stick closer together after what happened with Kavinsky. But he knows why he did it, why he had the slight hope that Ronan might listen to him for once in his life.
It’s vanity. That mad belief that Ronan might desire Adam as a more than a friend that has been taking root in his brain for a while now, nagging him whenever Ronan looks at him, sits next to him, breathes in his general direction.
Maybe he was testing the waters there, when he had asked Ronan to not go to the race, when he looked him in the eyes, put his hands on his shoulders and lowered his voice. Ronan had laughed at him, said “In your dreams, Parrish” and went on his way.
He wouldn’t get a better answer than that and he accepts it. The looks Ronan throws him are motivated by hunger for his lips and legs maybe, but there’s nothing more than that and Adam cannot deal with one without the other.
“I didn’t expect you to do anything for me,” he finally repeats. “You… you need to start to listen to reason sooner or later. I have a system with Gansey, this week it was my turn to talk some sense into you” he mumbles, avoiding Ronan’s eyes. He lets go of Ronan and draws his knees to his chest, hiding as good as he can in broad daylight because that’s finally something he is good at.
“You could have made me stay, you know.”
Adam closes his eyes and breathes harder, shaken to his core. He would love to pretend that he doesn’t know what Ronan means, that he hasn’t imagined it. Make Ronan stay with Cabeswater’s help, bind him to his side as if that was something he could do with that forest overgrowing his subconscious.
“No,” he croaks out. “If… if you don’t give it to me of your own free will, I don’t want it.”
He is pretending, oh God, he tries to be a hero so hard, but he isn’t sure how he would fare if presented with the option of magic giving him what he wants.
“You never want what I give you,” Ronan says and then he pulls at Adam’s hair until Adam has to look at him. “You are afraid of wanting things, aren’t you, but at the same time...”
Ronan smiles as if he is holding poising behind his teeth and Adam forces himself not to blink.
“You want me to do everything for you. You want all of us to do your bidding and do exactly as you say-”
Adam snarls. “I’m not Gansey,” he reminds him and as he says it, he knows he made a mistake. He’s implicating something mean and awful but it’s a truly mean and awful thing to say about Gansey to Ronan.
“No,” Ronan says. “But you want to be.”
That is an even meaner thing to say especially because it’s true.
He puts his hands up though he doesn’t expect Ronan to back down. He never does. He doesn’t even want him too.
It’s true. Adam sometimes dreams about being Gansey – not with his Glendower obsession, of course, and not with his phobia of insects – but with his power: his money, his charisma, his standing, stemming from a long line of Ganseys equally as powerful and charming and beautiful. To be able to command people with just a word and a smile, to battle against his adversaries not with bare hands and scraps but a full armor and fine, adequate weapons.
His thoughts are a fantasy to entertain in the dark, when his stomach begs and cries from hunger, nothing more, in the same vein of his dreams about magic and making Ronan kiss him...
How Ronan knows about this and why it makes him so damn happy is beyond Adam, and when he looks up to defend himself, to say anything to get him out of his grip and out of the range of his piercing eyes Ronan is not there anymore.
Instead he faces Gansey, looking utterly betrayed and disappointed.
In this moment, Adam wakes up.
He bolts from his bed with a shriek, crashes into the table and tears open the window. He is awake, he is breathing, he is fine, he thinks, he tries to convince himself but the breaths he is heaving shake his lungs and stomach. It takes a while till the ringing in his brain stops as if somebody had cut the clapper from a bell. Even the magic, that constant mumbling rush in the background of his thoughts, reduces itself to a bare whisper.
Adam knows why. It’s afraid of him. His nightmares tear open the well of his desires which he keeps covered and hidden as deep down as he can but they spring back every time, blowing up in his face, blowing every other thought out of the waters of his mind, until Cabeswater takes the raw want, his neediness, his weakness and his jealousy and feeds itself on it.
Adam wonders what kind of tree could grow from such sticky, pitch black seeds and he is absolutely convinced that he doesn’t want to find out.
He draws a breath of fragrant Henrietta night air, keeping it in his mouth as long as he can. He is sorry to all of his friends, Blue especially. She deserves better but as always Adam cannot be better, not for her, not for Gansey and not for Ronan.
(Although he isn’t sure whether he would have to be for Ronan).
„Sorry,“ he whispers into the night, as he does every time when he startles awake, terrified and swearing on everything that’s holy that he will try harder once again.
It’s not Gansey‘s fault that Adam was born in hell and he should not resent him for it.
He should not, he finishes his prayer, as he has been doing for the past few months. He will try and they all will see to which end.
A sudden, painful peck on his hand puts a harsh end to his musings.
Adam shrieks again, causing Chainsaw to almost fall of the windowsill. She caws at him, flaps her wings in his face and glides down to land on Ronan‘s shoulder, who stands in the tiny church garden, pale, clad in black and much more beautiful than any nightmare could make him.
Oh great, Adam thinks and he retreats a few step into his room clutching his aching hand. He is grinning all of a sudden. He knows Ronan saw him, but Adam might not be ready to face him as dreamstruck and hollow-eyed as he is right now.
„Juliet,“ Ronan shouts. „Open up, you frigid bastard.“
„This is a church,“ Adam shouts back. „Do kindly shut your trap?“
Ronan shrugs. „Not my fault your house sucks.“
„What do you want, Lynch? Aren’t you missing a race?“ Adam doesn’t need to know. He is already pulling on his sweater and his coat glancing at Ronan down on the street who appears to grow taller and more colorful every second, until he is everything Adam can see.
He might be able to pluck Adam right out of this hellhole of a church apartment, but in the end he just picks up a pebble and throws it through the window into Adam’s room where with impeccable finality it hits the one single glass of water Adam uses to put next to his bed, causing it to shatter with a loud, blasphemic sound.
Ronan laughs. “What race?”
Adam sighs, looks at the shards and the water soaking into his pillow. He might have to sleep with a sweater stuffed with other clothes for the next days, but right this second, with his brain muddy from sleep and exhaustion, he doesn’t care.
„Come on,“ Ronan shouts.
And Adam follows.
Challenge: Charakterschwäche – wetteifernd – fürs Team
Fandom: The Raven Cycle
Titel: Free Willie not the Whale
Inhalt: Adam and Ronan have a heart-to-heart talk about deep dark secrets. Story is in English!
Anmerkung: Spielt… etwa nach dem zweiten Buch, also Achtung vor Spoilern (es ist aber alles recht vage, weil meine Erinnerung an Plotelemente ein wenig verschwommen ist).
Free Willie not the Whale
“I know what you want from me.” Ronan plops down next to him onto the wide and very strictly mowed expense of the Aglionby greenery next to the gymnasium.
Adam sighs before he puts his book away – he had been pretending to read for a while now. “I don’t want anything from you,” he lies and chances a glance at Ronan’s grinning face.
He looks incredibly happy. Adam gets a prickly feeling in his neck and for once it isn’t related to Chainsaw’s tiny angry claws. Something isn’t right here. Ronan is never just happy.
“Not from me, then”, Ronan cedes. “But over me.”
“What are you...”
“You want power over me.”
Adam bristles, but he can’t look away fast enough and Ronan sees the shock and the shame in his eyes. He could probably feel it too, the sudden painful anxiety rolling of Adam’s shoulders in waves.
“If this is about me asking you to maybe not risk your life and the car in an illegal race through the hills...”
“Nah,” Ronan says. “This is about you asking me to maybe not risk my life and thinking I would listen to you.”
It’s Monday, Adam suddenly remembers. There is an upcoming test in chemistry that every other student is convinced will be the hardest test they ever have to take and Adam hasn’t really had anything to eat for the past two days thanks to learning and rent money.
It’s no wonder then, that he flies off the handle, he thinks, very calmly, as he leaps up and tackles Ronan to the ground.
Ronan doesn’t yelp. He doesn’t even resist, just melts away under Adam’s hands and legs until he is sprawled in the grassy sweet scenery, looking like a grinning black hole full of lava would look in the Shire.
“Careful, Adam,” he whispers. “I might get used to this.”
A shiver runs down Adams spine, but he ignores it in favor of staring right into Roman’s eyes.
“You never listen to me or anyone else,” he says. “That is not news.”
“Then why did you expect me to this time?”
He could lie of course. Say that he was worried about Gansey’s car again after all the thing has been through or he could make up a story of how they should stick closer together after what happened with Kavinsky. But he knows why he did it, why he had the slight hope that Ronan might listen to him for once in his life.
It’s vanity. That mad belief that Ronan might desire Adam as a more than a friend that has been taking root in his brain for a while now, nagging him whenever Ronan looks at him, sits next to him, breathes in his general direction.
Maybe he was testing the waters there, when he had asked Ronan to not go to the race, when he looked him in the eyes, put his hands on his shoulders and lowered his voice. Ronan had laughed at him, said “In your dreams, Parrish” and went on his way.
He wouldn’t get a better answer than that and he accepts it. The looks Ronan throws him are motivated by hunger for his lips and legs maybe, but there’s nothing more than that and Adam cannot deal with one without the other.
“I didn’t expect you to do anything for me,” he finally repeats. “You… you need to start to listen to reason sooner or later. I have a system with Gansey, this week it was my turn to talk some sense into you” he mumbles, avoiding Ronan’s eyes. He lets go of Ronan and draws his knees to his chest, hiding as good as he can in broad daylight because that’s finally something he is good at.
“You could have made me stay, you know.”
Adam closes his eyes and breathes harder, shaken to his core. He would love to pretend that he doesn’t know what Ronan means, that he hasn’t imagined it. Make Ronan stay with Cabeswater’s help, bind him to his side as if that was something he could do with that forest overgrowing his subconscious.
“No,” he croaks out. “If… if you don’t give it to me of your own free will, I don’t want it.”
He is pretending, oh God, he tries to be a hero so hard, but he isn’t sure how he would fare if presented with the option of magic giving him what he wants.
“You never want what I give you,” Ronan says and then he pulls at Adam’s hair until Adam has to look at him. “You are afraid of wanting things, aren’t you, but at the same time...”
Ronan smiles as if he is holding poising behind his teeth and Adam forces himself not to blink.
“You want me to do everything for you. You want all of us to do your bidding and do exactly as you say-”
Adam snarls. “I’m not Gansey,” he reminds him and as he says it, he knows he made a mistake. He’s implicating something mean and awful but it’s a truly mean and awful thing to say about Gansey to Ronan.
“No,” Ronan says. “But you want to be.”
That is an even meaner thing to say especially because it’s true.
He puts his hands up though he doesn’t expect Ronan to back down. He never does. He doesn’t even want him too.
It’s true. Adam sometimes dreams about being Gansey – not with his Glendower obsession, of course, and not with his phobia of insects – but with his power: his money, his charisma, his standing, stemming from a long line of Ganseys equally as powerful and charming and beautiful. To be able to command people with just a word and a smile, to battle against his adversaries not with bare hands and scraps but a full armor and fine, adequate weapons.
His thoughts are a fantasy to entertain in the dark, when his stomach begs and cries from hunger, nothing more, in the same vein of his dreams about magic and making Ronan kiss him...
How Ronan knows about this and why it makes him so damn happy is beyond Adam, and when he looks up to defend himself, to say anything to get him out of his grip and out of the range of his piercing eyes Ronan is not there anymore.
Instead he faces Gansey, looking utterly betrayed and disappointed.
In this moment, Adam wakes up.
He bolts from his bed with a shriek, crashes into the table and tears open the window. He is awake, he is breathing, he is fine, he thinks, he tries to convince himself but the breaths he is heaving shake his lungs and stomach. It takes a while till the ringing in his brain stops as if somebody had cut the clapper from a bell. Even the magic, that constant mumbling rush in the background of his thoughts, reduces itself to a bare whisper.
Adam knows why. It’s afraid of him. His nightmares tear open the well of his desires which he keeps covered and hidden as deep down as he can but they spring back every time, blowing up in his face, blowing every other thought out of the waters of his mind, until Cabeswater takes the raw want, his neediness, his weakness and his jealousy and feeds itself on it.
Adam wonders what kind of tree could grow from such sticky, pitch black seeds and he is absolutely convinced that he doesn’t want to find out.
He draws a breath of fragrant Henrietta night air, keeping it in his mouth as long as he can. He is sorry to all of his friends, Blue especially. She deserves better but as always Adam cannot be better, not for her, not for Gansey and not for Ronan.
(Although he isn’t sure whether he would have to be for Ronan).
„Sorry,“ he whispers into the night, as he does every time when he startles awake, terrified and swearing on everything that’s holy that he will try harder once again.
It’s not Gansey‘s fault that Adam was born in hell and he should not resent him for it.
He should not, he finishes his prayer, as he has been doing for the past few months. He will try and they all will see to which end.
A sudden, painful peck on his hand puts a harsh end to his musings.
Adam shrieks again, causing Chainsaw to almost fall of the windowsill. She caws at him, flaps her wings in his face and glides down to land on Ronan‘s shoulder, who stands in the tiny church garden, pale, clad in black and much more beautiful than any nightmare could make him.
Oh great, Adam thinks and he retreats a few step into his room clutching his aching hand. He is grinning all of a sudden. He knows Ronan saw him, but Adam might not be ready to face him as dreamstruck and hollow-eyed as he is right now.
„Juliet,“ Ronan shouts. „Open up, you frigid bastard.“
„This is a church,“ Adam shouts back. „Do kindly shut your trap?“
Ronan shrugs. „Not my fault your house sucks.“
„What do you want, Lynch? Aren’t you missing a race?“ Adam doesn’t need to know. He is already pulling on his sweater and his coat glancing at Ronan down on the street who appears to grow taller and more colorful every second, until he is everything Adam can see.
He might be able to pluck Adam right out of this hellhole of a church apartment, but in the end he just picks up a pebble and throws it through the window into Adam’s room where with impeccable finality it hits the one single glass of water Adam uses to put next to his bed, causing it to shatter with a loud, blasphemic sound.
Ronan laughs. “What race?”
Adam sighs, looks at the shards and the water soaking into his pillow. He might have to sleep with a sweater stuffed with other clothes for the next days, but right this second, with his brain muddy from sleep and exhaustion, he doesn’t care.
„Come on,“ Ronan shouts.
And Adam follows.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2017-08-05 07:58 pm (UTC)UND DANN IST ES AUCH NOCH RONAN/ADAM UND TRÄUME UND GANSEY UND ALLLLLES ALL DIE SCHÖNEN DINGE HACH hearts;
Ich mag übrigens die 120-min-Tradition mit dem Zitieren der Textpassagen. Wir müssen das unbedingt aufrecht erhalten!
...
Warte, die ganze Fic passt nicht in einen Kommentar, oder? Alter, LJ ey, wie soll man bitte angemessen seinem Enthusiasmus Ausdruck verleihen, wenn die Zeichenanzahl in Kommentaren derart begrenzt ist??
(goes through the fic again but with HIGHER EXPECTATIONS????)
“This is about you asking me to maybe not risk my life and thinking I would listen to you.”
Beim ersten Durchlesen (ohne zu wissen, dass Adam träumt), dachte ich "Boah, Ronan, Alter, wie fies" (also ... IC). Beim zweiten Lesen mit dem Wissen, dass es ein Traum ist, ist es mehr so: ksdjfksjfd Adam baby, way to overthink a single interaction until it eats you up fROM INSIDE AAAHH
looking like a grinning black hole full of lava would look in the Shire.
love this line. The Ronan Effect.
It’s vanity. That mad belief that Ronan might desire Adam as a more than a friend that has been taking root in his brain for a while now, nagging him whenever Ronan looks at him, sits next to him, breathes in his general direction.
MEINE ABSOLUTE LIEBLINGSSACHE an dieser Fanfic ist, dass es ein take on Adam's attraction to Ronan ist ZU EINEM ZEITPUNKT AN DEM RONAN ZWAR NICHT BESONDERS SUBTIL IST ABER TROTZDEM ALLES IRGENDWIE UNSICHER IST ZWISCHEN IHNEN UND KEINER WEISS, WER HIER EIGENTLICH WAS VON WEM WILL UND AHH ich liebe das, "the mad belief" ♥
Make Ronan stay with Cabeswater’s help, bind him to his side
Wie ungesund. GIVE ME THAT.
(Ich sterbe auch an den Ronan/Gansey implications, also ... sie sind vermutlich keine per se romantischen Ronan/Gansey implications, but I can and will make everything about Ronan/Gansey PRY THIS FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS)
Adam wonders what kind of tree could grow from such sticky, pitch black seeds and he is absolutely convinced that he doesn’t want to find out.
Oohhh Adam ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
„Juliet,“ Ronan shouts. „Open up, you frigid bastard.“
„This is a church,“ Adam shouts back. „Do kindly shut your trap?“
Ronan shrugs. „Not my fault your house sucks.“
Stell dir einfach vor, wie ich kreischend vor dir stehe. Das ist mein Kommentar zu diesem Dialog.
ICH LIEBE DIE BEIDEN SO SEHR und ich liebe deinen Stil so sehr und ich liebe alles, was du aus ihnen gemacht hast. sdfjsdkfjsökdfjslöfjsöldf!!
no subject
Date: 2017-08-07 08:36 pm (UTC)OH MEIN FUCKING GOTT, ICH LIEBE DICH UND DIE BEIDEN UND DEINEN SCHREIBSTIL UND DICH!
Alter. Das ist so, so toll geschrieben, ich weiß gar nicht, wie ich es beschreiben soll, wie da so viel mehr hinter jedem Satz mitschwingt und wie alles einen wundervoll neuen fiesen Touch kriegt, nachdem man weiß, dass es ein Traum ist und wie es (für jemanden, der nicht weiß worum es bei den Büchern geht), dieses mystische, mythische hat und gleichzeitg so verdammt menschlich ist (Adam sometimes dreams about being Gansey – not with his Glendower obsession, of course, and not with his phobia of insects – but with his power: his money, his charisma, his standing, stemming from a long line of Ganseys equally as powerful and charming and beautiful. To be able to command people with just a word and a smile, to battle against his adversaries not with bare hands and scraps but a full armor and fine, adequate weapons. - Da, ein Beispiel für beides nebeneinander.)
Und dann so kleine suckerpunsch-Sätze wie
That is an even meaner thing to say especially because it’s true.
und
who stands in the tiny church garden, pale, clad in black and much more beautiful than any nightmare could make him.
und
And Adam follows.
Ich bin völlig inkohärent, aber ich bin auch sehr verliebt in diese Fic, also... wird es mehr geben?