Into the deep III [Angst - Reue/Büßen - für mich]

[peterhforalpha.livejournal.com]

Team: Schneewittchen
Challenge: Angst - Reue/Büßen - für mich
Titel: Into the deep III
Fandom: Star Trek AOS
Charaktere: Jim Kirk
Wörter: 567
Sprache: Englisch
Anmerkung: und hier ist Teil 3. Diesmal nur purer Jim angst

Teil 1
Teil 2

It was true.
Leonard was too stubborn to die.
Apparently waking up though was not in the near future.

It had been three days now and Leonard was still unconsciousness. Jim had started to go back to his daily routine, spending his day on the bridge and going to medbay after his shift. But now it was to check on Leonard, not to pick him up so that he wouldn’t be too long in medbay.

Every night Jim sat by Leonard’s bed. Mostly he read some classic books or he worked on his reports if he hadn’t been able to finish them over the day. With every day more it got harder to focus. Jim felt restless over the day, ready to run down to medbay as soon as his shift was over. He knew he couldn’t do anything but sit there but he had the tiny hope that Leonard would feel him somehow, that it would help him to find a way back to the world of the living.

Geoffrey couldn’t give Jim a proper answer when Leonard would wake up.
“It’s up to him now, sir,” he had said on this horrible day, after the operation was over.

Jim still felt terrible. His pinky finger was all healed again but Jim caught himself how he absentmindedly played with it over and over when he sat with Leonard. If he had just ignored this pain and kept holding on to Leonard, and pulling them both up.
Jim could understand Leonard’s actions, he was not mad at him. If the roles would have been reversed Jim would have done anything to get Leonard to safety. Leonard had just thought the same.

No, Jim was not mad at his friend, he was mad at himself. Letting go of Leonard was one of his biggest regrets so far, and he had a lot in his short life. But he had never been so close to losing a friend forever. He might still lose him after all. If Leonard wouldn’t wake up, it would almost be as if he had died.

“I shouldn’t have let go,” he mumbled once more. He had the feeling that he had said it a hundred times over the last few days. Jim wished he could just go back in time and change everything, just keep on holding Leonard’s hand.

As if Jim was still scared to lose Leonard to the dark deep under him, he held his hand, every single time he sat next to him. It helped him to stay sane, not to lose his mind completely. With every passing day Jim’s thoughts got darker, the what if scenarios got more horrible and unbearable but when he squeezed Leonard’s hand it reminded him that he was still there. That he was still breathing. And that there was still hope.

But the chance of a happy ending didn’t reduce his feelings of regret. Even if Leonard would wake up, Jim would never forgive himself. He wasn’t able to save the person that was most important to him.

No matter what happened Jim knew that he had failed Leonard.

He knew that Leonard wouldn’t care about this, would say that it wasn’t Jim’s fault, and he would forgive him in an instant.

But Jim didn’t deserve that. He had let go of his friend.
He deserved a punishment.
And this was not to forgive himself.